I know the clue is in the name. This is an adults-only health resort supposedly the epitome of comfort, elegance and cutting-edge design. A luxurious retreat for those seeking rejuvenation, check and relaxation, check, the focus is on delicious nutritious food, medical spa treatments and all-round holistic happiness.

All sounded great at the time of booking. Be advised this resort closes from October to March.

We checked in for a week of pampering and luxury, except we weren’t quite ready for the “Health” aspects of what awaited us like no salt and pepper, calories controlled meals. Scrambled eggs without the yellows, whites only, fresh fruit plates, no bread only crackers. Had we known we’d have snuck food in our suitcases.

OK so here are the positives at Las Dunas Grand Luxury Hotel and there are many if you are on a serious diet and want to drop 20lbs.

The rooms are super luxurious, the pillows down filled, the bed linens and towels are of the highest quality. Fair to say the room was probably one of the most comfortable and spacious rooms I’ve ever stayed in and I’ve stayed in a lot at all different levels of luxury over the years.

The property is vast and quite sprawling, long dark corridors to access your room, it did take us a few days to get the lay of the land. It’s very quiet which is to be expected, no kids which for us was good but elements of being in an expensive hospital more than a spa.

The restaurants on property are strict so we found ourselves ordering room service quite a bit which is expensive and a little anti social. I guess the vibe is guests don’t want to see people scoffing hamburgers whilst they are trying to lose weight.

At breakfast for those who enjoy a shot of caffeine in the morning it’s decaf only. Like I said I’ve been to a couple of Thalassotherapy places in France, one we especially like in Antibes but nowhere quite as rigorous with the healthy policies as the Las Dunas Grand Luxury Hotel.

The pool is gorgeous, scattered with beautiful marble statues giving the whole place the feel of an Italian piazza, intricate mosaics and white stone colonnades and the sun loungers and big wickers domes for relaxing we couldn’t fault. The pool was massive, beautifully maintained and the service impeccable. The downers were no tea and coffee by the pool, in fact no drinks at all and certainly no cocktails unless you wanted to savour the hotels own healthy concoctions which could also be purchased in the Las Dunas spa area before leaving for an eye watering price, the health claims and benefits I am not sure could be independently verified.

I did feel like I’d stepped in Alan Parker’s dark comedy starring Anthony Hopkins the Road To Wellville. There were a lot of similarities.

We did have lengthy chats with the hotel management via what’s app, the reception is quite a walk away, particularly about the food, the breakfast, which would not have maintained a sparrow, and we did get the eggs upgraded to include the yolks but that was it.

It’s a health place through and through and the policies are strict. If you are not into this, it’s five star in every other way but probably not for you.

We did have a good old shop in the hotel boutique which was fabulous, large and carried quite a few beautiful clothing lines like Casall and Deha Italian sportswear brand I absolutely loved using premium fabrics and a focus on comfort. I would never have known about these gorgeous clothes without staying at the Las Dumas Grand Luxury Hotel. And the beachfront location is perfect for an ocean swim, the beach, Saladillo beach is a two minute walk away, is gorgeous and the hotel location equidistant from Marbella and Estepona makes both places easy to reach if you enjoy a night out in town or a visit to the local markets. Estapona’s market is in the harbour, and there’s a wonderful Saturday market in Puerto Banus for shopping local crafts, art, shoes and great quality dupe goods.

We didn’t do through the medical assessment on arrival, nor did we sign up for the customised health program they offer along side massage therapies, aqua and thalassotherapy and specifically designed exercise regimes. If you want and need this it’s available.

We did enjoy the vast spa facilities with water stations on every corridor. The facilities are extensive, large and situated in a separate building from the hotel so expect a bit of a hike to get there. It not just a hop skip and a jump from the sun lounger onto a massage table wearing your super comfy enveloping hotel dressing gown.

This place is specific, it’s a health facility first so anyone needing professional medical support for recovery, rehabilitation or targeted weight loss it would be a fantastic spot to get that help however if you are scrolling booking.com or Expedia.com in search of a 5 star oasis with home comforts like a dirty martini and a cheeseburger on the side it might not be the place for you.